Konoha Itching Crisis
by Lady Nerd
Summary: Shino comes up with a new technique... involving fleas. Soon, most of the people unfortunate to come into contact with him are scratching! And it's SPREADING! Will anyone save them? WHO? Angry Hinata? Fierce TenTen? Bored Gaara? Oneshot! Please REVIEW!


_AN: HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY! I LOVE YOU ALL! Probably... yeah! 2009 has BEGUN! This was just inspired by me not having anything better to do at 12:17 a.m. January first... This is totally random, but I hope you like it!  
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_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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"AUGH! SHINOOOOO!" Kiba screeched. "WHAT IS_ WRONG_ WITH YOU!?" The boy covered in bugs shrugged.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said in his most mysterious voice. "I think he's going insane... don't you?" he asked his favorite bug, which sat on his shoulder. The bug flew in loops to spell out N-O-P-E-H-E-'-S-D-E-L-U-D-E-D-!

"I HATE YOU!" Kiba stormed. "HOW COULD YOU _DO_ THIS! I MEAN, I DON'T LIKE YOU _EITHER_, BUT... WHAT THE_ HELL!?_"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist," Shino said calmly. "Do what?"

"INFEST AKAMARU WITH YOUR_ FLIPPIN'_ INSECTS, BUG-BOY! WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO _YOU!?_" Indeed, the large dog was scratching himself frantically.

"I'm trying to develop a new kind of attack," Shino explained. "I call it... The ITCH Factor!" Kiba laughed, a high-pitched, manic sound.

"And... you decided to test your theory on AKAMARU!? SCREW THAT, I'M GETTING HIM A FLEA COLLAR!" Shino barred his way.

"I can't let you do that." he said seriously. "It will interfere with my... _plans_."

"... Plans?" Kiba repeated, his voice hollow. "PLANS INVOLVING_ ITCHING_ PEOPLE TO DEATH!?" Shino nodded, as if this were perfectly natural...

"You see, they scratch so hard, that their fingernails rub their skin raw! It makes them BLEED to death!" Shino's normally calm voice had risen excitedly. "It's GENIUS! Akamaru will be gone in another seven hours," he added spookily. Kiba gave him a strained smile...

"I RODE AKAMARU. I HAVE FLEAS. I AM GOING TO GET HIM A FLEA COLLAR. MOVE. NOW!"

"Now, let's not be hasty-!"

"W-what's go-going on!?" Hinata's voice sounded scared. "I'm a-all i-itchy!" She emerged from around the corner, scratching herself all over, her hands desperately trying to reach in between her shoulder blades... Kiba swore loudly, making her wince. "K-kiba-kun? S-shino-kun?"

"SEE! NOW EVEN HINATA-CHAN IS ITCHING! DO YOU WANT HER TO DIE!?" Kiba demanded. Shino merely observed as her eyes widened fearfully.

"D-die? W-what is he t-t-talking ab-about, Sh-shino-kun!?"

"Nothing. Don't listen to him, Hinata. He's just deluded." Again, his bug spelled it out: Y-U-P-!-D-E-L-U-D-E-D-!

"S-shino-kun..."

"AUGH!" another voice screamed. "HINATA! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!" Shikamaru demanded, running around the corner. "Why am I itching like HELL!?"

"I don't know!" she said tearfully. "All I know is that I-I h-hugged y-y-you, t-then I-I st-started itching..."

"It's perfectly natural... " Shino muttered. Kiba glared at him, and Naruto walked up.

"Hey Hinata-chan!" he said cheerfully. "Are you okay? Why are you so itchy?" He looked around, suddenly realizing that everyone except Shino was scratching. He scratched the spot she couldn't reach, concerned, making her face grow a brilliant red.

"N-n-narutooo," she moaned, feeling pure ectasy flow through her as he rubbed her most itchy spot. Of course, Neji just _had_ to be walking by at the moment, and_ had_ to hear his cousin moan his name in an alley... he ran around the corner, and pointed at Naruto in a manic way...

"YOU! GET AWAY FROM HINATA-SAMA!" he yelled. Hinata looked up, flushing more, and would have fainted were it not for her itchy spots! Naruto held up his hands, freaked out, and shook his head.

"We weren't DOING anything-" he let the sentence trail off as he unconsciously began to scratch his arms, and especially the hand he'd been scratching Hinata with. "Do you guys have FLEAS, or something!?" he asked incredulously. Neji, too, began to experience a similar feeling, but refrained from scratching himself.

"HINATA!" he ordered. "DON'T SCRATCH!" Shino glared at him.

"The scratching will make it go away..." he said creepily.

"HYUUGAS ENDURE! WE WILL NOT HAVE OUR HEIRESS BE SEEN SCRATCHING HERSELF IN PUBLIC!" With a little scream, Hinata took her hands away from her body, but immediately began twitching violently.

"I-it i-i-itches, N-neji-nii-saaaaaaaaan!" she yelped, as he grabbed her hands.

"YOU WILL NOT SCRATCH!" he said again.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." she bit her lip to keep from screaming.

"What's happened, Neji?" TenTen said, also emerging. "I heard screaming... why is everyone itchy!?" she was bewildered. Her hands traveled of their own accord to her arms, and she began scratching herself involuntarily. "What's going on!?"

"Byakugan!" Neji shouted, and suddenly everything was obvious... the fleas were generating from Akamaru, but it appeared that the Aburame boy's lips were moving, giving them directions...

"Sh-shino-kun!" Hinata screamed, having realized the same thing. "W-what a-are you DOING!?"

"I'm not doing anything!" he said fiercely. "Now... stay put! Unless you want to spread this to all Konoha!"

"Konoha's ninja are so undisciplined," came a voice from above. Gaara, Kankurou, and Temari were all hanging from a tree, miraculously, not scratching... _yet_. Shino's lips curved into a smile, and he mouthed something no one could hear... "UGH! What IS this!?" Temari exclaimed, rubbing her suddenly bright red arms. Kankurou, on the other hand, put a mask on under his hood, so he was safe in his giant kitty costume. Gaara's sand wasn't quick enough to protect him from the fleas, though, and he hissed in pain, trying to scratch himself, but finding the sand interfering.

"... what the HELL are you doing to us?" Gaara asked dangerously, his eyes narrowing to slits. With a grunt, he manipulated the sand to put Akamaru in a choke hold...

"I would think that was obvious," Shino said. "Or haven't you figured out you have fleas yet?" There was something oddly triumphant in his voice. Temari's eyes widened, and she dropped down next to them, locking her hands around Shino's throat.

"Call them off or you die," she promised. "I will strangle you, Bug-Breath..."

"Bug-Breath!? That's a good one..." Kiba stored this name in the back of his head for further use, before remembering their current dillema. Howling in rage, Temari grabbed her fan, but felt a restraining hand on her shoulder.

"Let's not be hasty," Shikamaru said. "If we kill him, he can't call them off."

"GET A FLEA COLLAR OR SOMETHING! I. DON'T. CARE!"

"A flea collar? That probably won't work, they feed on chakra..." Temari narrowed her eyes, and slapped the ninja restraining her. He blinked, looking, for a moment, stupid. Then he was Nara Shikamaru again-

"You slap like a girl."

"I _am_ a girl, bastard! And if I'd wanted it to hurt, IT WOULD HAVE HURT!" Kiba wasn't paying attention anymore, just staring in paralyzed horror at Akamaru.

"L-let him g-go!" Hinata cried, forgetting both her cousin, and her itchiness for a second. "P-please! PLEASE! D-don't k-kill him, G-gaara-san!" Gaara merely stared at her for a long time, before looking at her with a Do-I-Really-Care expression.

"Desert Coff- !" Kiba had launched himself at Akamaru, and was crying all over his sand. If there was one thing Gaara HATED, it was tears on his sand... it made it muddy and sticky for a while. "Ugh," he said, withdrawing. "Great. Now I have to let it DRY. Thanks a lot, Dog Boy." He was still crying all over Akamaru. Unnoticed by everyone, Rock Lee had left had snuck up behind Neji with a can of bug spray. He screamed:

"I WILL SAVE YOU, TEAMMATES!" Letting it loose all over Neji and TenTen, he yelled: "FOR YOUTHFULNESS!" Shino howled in terror as his precious bugs were quickly extinguished. Gaara sprayed himself and Temari, Shikamaru used it next, then TenTen, then Naruto, then Hinata, and finally Kiba, who sprayed Akamaru before relieving himself. They all turned to glare at Shino... who was sobbing.

"You killed them! YOU KILLED THEM ALL! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE!? LISTENING TO THEIR DYING SCREAMS!?" he shrieked. "I HATE YOU ALL! I. HATE. YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!" He ran away like a maniac, cupping Yukie, his favorite bug mentioned before, protectively in his hands.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Lee broke the silence. "You're welcome?"

"... EW! THIS STUFF IS STICKY!" TenTen suddenly yelped, finding her hands leaving traces everywhere she put them... pink handprints were EVERYWHERE. The fence, the tree, Neji's ass, the nearest street lamp...

"Yuck!"

"Gross!"

"That's disgusting!"

Kiba groaned as he looked over at Akamaru. "I'm going to have to give him a bath! Thanks A LOT, Lee! That stuff sticks to his fur!" Grumbling, he walked off with his dog.

"... I'm sorry?" Lee said, confused as to how he'd become the villain, the one time he was SURE he'd been the hero...

"You should be."

"Don't talk to me anymore..."

"Loser." Neji's comment stung the worst.

"You even drove Shino away!" Lee's eyes filled with tears.

"But... b-but... I-I saved you guys..."

"S-stop m-mocking m-m-me!" Hinata shouted, surprising everyone. She threw him a filthy look. "I-I HATE it w-when people d-do that!"

"I'm s-sorry-" Lee started to apologize, bewildered, but she slapped him.

"E-EVERYONE MAKES F-FUN OF ME FOR STUT-STUTTERING!" she cried, and ran off towards where Shino had disappeared to. "I-I HATE YOU ALL! E-EXCEPT N-NARUTO-KUN!" They stared after her amazedly for a few moments...

"I _like_ this new Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed, and ran after her.

"Wait... WHAT!?" Neji demanded to the cloud of dust that had once had Naruto. "STAY AWAY FROM MY COUSIN, PERV!" With a roar of rage, he, too, ran after Naruto.

"Wait up, Neji!" TenTen called after him, realizing the evidence she'd left on his rear end... she rushed after them.

"I better wash this out of my hair," Temari muttered. She tried to move, but realized the stuff had hardened, sticking her to Shikamaru's sleeve. "DAMMIT!" she roared, sounding much like Neji. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, GREEN WEIRDO!"

"Calm down," Shika said, before he too realized that they were stuck together. "Great. How troublesome..." They walked off awkwardly together to find a source of water. Gaara stared after them suspiciously, not liking the fact that his sister was going off with some lazy guy... then he saw his sand.

"You're dead." It was quite calm, but his voice still frightened Rock Lee. "I am going to murder you in your sleep if my sand doesn't turn back to it's original color. I. Will. Kill. You. Understand? Hope, for your sake, that this isn't permanent, and comes off with water. Which will turn it to mud. Which will creat the necessity for me to let it air dry... more. I. Hate. You." He let his lovely, PINK sand carry him away from the green suited ninja. Lee let the tears spill over, before realizing that Kankurou was still there.

"Is it safe?" he asked warily.

"... I don't know anymore," Lee said in a daze. Kankurou snorted, threw back his hood, and looked around for his siblings.

"Where's Gaara and Temari?" he demanded.

"I expect Temari's still with Shikamaru, and Gaara is washing his sand."

"Temari's alone with a GUY!?" Kankurou asked.

"..."

"Bastard," he muttered angrily, and went after her... leaving Rock Lee standing there alone, wondering what the hell had just happened.

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_AN: REVIEW, MY LOVES! REVIEW!_

_Cheers!_

_-Comedy_

_Happy New Year!  
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